I came across H. Norman Wright’s discussion on self-talk in his book, Now That You’re Engaged, that used a really good example of how our attitudes (and then our self-talk) has a huge impact on how we treat our spouse.
Self-talk refers to the frequent conversations we have with ourselves in our minds, kind of like putting your feelings into words. Self-talk is greatly affected by our attitudes and beliefs.
For today’s Tuesday Mocha, I just wanted to share two vastly different scenarios from Wright’s discussion that magnify the importance of not only controlling the words we say out loud, but the words we say to ourselves.
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“Saturday morning, 11:00 AM:
Wife: It’s about time you got up. I was starting to fear you would waste the entire day!
Husband: (looking a bit startled) What’s with you? I’m just taking my time getting up and enjoying a day off.
Wife: That’s just it. You’re around here so rarely and half the day is shot! By the time you get dressed and cleaned up lunch will be over and nothing has been accomplished.
Husband: Who said I was getting dressed and cleaned up? The only thing I want to accomplish is a cup of coffee, the paper and the football game on TV!
Wife: What? Then the whole day is shot too…I don’t get a day off! There’s a whole list of work to be done here. When are you going to do it?
Husband: What? I suppose you’ve been saving up a list of work products again. Why don’t you give me some notice ahead of time? If I wanted to work today, I could go into the shop and get overtime plus some peace and quiet.”
Not a great way to start a day off together. Take a peek into the wife’s self-talk in this situation and see how her internal conversation is gearing her up for a conflict.
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“7:30 – I hope he gets up pretty soon. I’d like to get started on these projects. With the kids away today we can get a lot done.
8:30 – Boy! I don’t hear a sound. Well, I’m going to start work in the yard. He’ll probably hear me and then he can join me.
9:15 – What time is it? 9:15! I don’t believe it! He’s sleeping away the morning. Who does he think he is. How thoughtless! I ought to go in there and wake him up!
10:00 – Just because he has no work at the plant or at church, he thinks he’s entitled to sack out. What about me? When do I ever get to do this? He ticks me off! He probably knows I want hi to take care of those chores he’s been putting off. He just wants to ignore them and me! Boy, is he going to hear from me. I’ll let him sleep but he’s going to pay a price for it!
10:45 – And I was going to cook his favorite meal and dessert tonight. Fat chance of that. How could he be so insensitive? Look at all I do for him!”
Now take a look at this example of the wife being diligent about how her self-conversation will affect her attitude, which in turn affects their relationship.
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“7:30 – I wish he would get up. I think I’ll check and see if he’s just resting or sleeping.
8:15 – I’m not sure he’s going to get up in time to do much today. I’d better revise my list and then ask him if he could help me with these two chores after lunch.
9:15 – I am a bit upset with him but I have to admit I didn’t tell hi I wanted him to work today. Next time I’ll talk it over with him and share my ideas before the weekend.
10:00 – I could serve him breakfast in bed when he wakes up. That’ll knock his socks off! When’s the last time I did that?”
You might not even realize that self-talk is going on inside your head all the time, but this week I encourage you to start paying attention to the things you tell yourself. Being aware of your own self talk could completely change the outcome of a potential conflict between the two of you!
*hugs*
Amber
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