Beware of the Refuge {Building Marriage}

Tuesday Mocha // Building A Stronger Marriage // Huntsville Wedding Photographers

Have you ever faced something that you really didn’t want to deal with?

It might have been as small as putting off an email. Maybe it was something really hard, like talking with your spouse about a major ongoing issue in your marriage. I’m a huge procrastinator when it comes to making phone calls. Everything else on my to-do list suddenly looks way more attractive just when I need to make a call.

When we don’t want to do something, we find a refuge. Aka: procrastinate. Something else, anything else, that we can turn to instead of dealing with what we really need to be dealing with. Refuges can feel harmless, of course. The refuge itself might even be good. (Hello, 3 loads of laundry!)

The avoidance I want to talk about today is something that goes deeper than leaving dishes in the sink for 2 days because you’re binge watching The Crown on Netflix.

Something that disguises itself as “an outlet” like a lion in lamb’s clothing.

What do you take refuge in?

When you’re angry with your spouse, upset with something they did, or feeling particularly stubborn – what do you turn to? How do keep yourself busy enough to avoid the problem?

Instead of finding a resolution, you find a distraction.

You jump in the car and drive off somewhere after a big fight. You turn on the TV so you have an excuse to “not hear” your spouse when he or she is trying to talk. You go shopping and blow the budget on purpose because you’re annoyed at yet another gun purchase.

It might even be a deeper, more secretive outlet that you find when you’re upset with your spouse.

Think carefully about the refuges that you choose.

A little time and space to cool off your anger in a healthy way in order to come back and resolve the issue together is one thing. Taking refuge in ways that shut out the problem is not the way to solve anything.

There’s the difference.

Don’t let issues remain unresolved. Even if you both just “get over it”, don’t put your blinders on when the same issues happen over and over again. Unresolved issues can lead to resentment, which is a fast path to contempt.

It’s hard work, this marriage thing is. But it’s worth fighting for.

*hugs*

Amber

{P.S. If you found this post helpful, we think you’ll also want to read this tip for dealing with a simmering argument.}