I’m Pretty Sure I Don’t Even Like You Right Now… {Building Marriage}

It’s going to happen. At some point in your marriage, you’re going to not feel the warm fuzzy feelings. The feelings will border (or deeply plunge) on the I-love-you-but-I-don’t-like-you-right-now kind of sentiment. There’s even a 99.9% chance that at some point in your relationship, you’re going to ask yourself, “Have I made a mistake?”

It’s times like these that are hard. The world tells us it’s okay to give up. The movies say that you deserve better. There’s someone else waiting out there who will make you happier. Society says that since half of marriages end in divorce anyway, there’s a 50% chance yours was doomed anyway.

Can I tell you something? You’re never going to find the perfect husband. Or the perfect wife. You’ll never have the perfect relationship. It’s part of the curse of sin in this world. Marriage made up of two sinners who – guess what? – aren’t perfect! We’re selfish, we’re emotional, we get angry. We get unreasonable.

So how do you navigate this incredibly difficult time of I-don’t-even-like-you-right-now?
1. Understand that feelings are separate from commitment.

Early in our marriage, I had a hard time figuring that out. I felt like those times when I was frustrated with Joel and didn’t have the happily-ever-after feelings, there was something wrong with me. Or my marriage. Or probably both. I couldn’t easily separate my feelings from reality.

As Joel’s patience has soothed me through many somersault emotional adventures, I’ve starting understanding that while feelings come and go, commitment stays.

Can I say that again? Commitment stays.

Commitment is how you get through the “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer” kind of stuff. Commitment says “I might not be feeling it right now, but I know that what we’re fighting for is so much bigger than my mood swings.”

It runs deeper and stronger than all the outside (and sometimes inside) forces that fight to tear you apart.

2. Remember that feelings come and go.

Emotions ebb and flow. Emotions are strongly affected by stress, motivation, life events, and hunger. {I’m just saying – hangry is real thing…} Remember that just because you feel a certain way now doesn’t mean your feelings will never change.

Have you ever felt like the world was falling apart? You were exhausted, you didn’t know how you’d get everything done, and you just wanted to go to bed and sleep for 8 weeks until all the hard stuff was over? Those feelings didn’t last forever. The sun came back. You attacked, you persevered, and you accomplished. Maybe with a few scars, but you bounced back. You did it because you had to.

Negative feelings don’t mean that the sun will never shine again. You persevere because you have to. Treat marriage the same. Attack the negativity, persevere at your commitment, and accomplish a stronger relationship because of it.

3. Sometimes problems are so much bigger than what you can handle on your own.

Sometimes things have gone on too long and have become a bigger issue than what you can work through yourselves. The emotions run too deep, the scars are too fresh, the negativity has come to define your relationship, things have started spinning out of control.

Can I encourage you to talk to your pastor, a wise friend who has a successful and long-lasting marriage, or a Christian marriage counselor? There’s no shame in asking for help. In fact, it shows strength. It shows strength to go to your pastor and say, “We want to fix this, but we’re in a spot where we don’t know how. Our marriage – our vows to God and to each other – is worth the fight. Can you please help?”

Just a note – please beware where you go for advice. The world pushes for the “easy” way out. “Forget about it, move on, do a better job next time.” Please don’t listen. Your marriage is worth the fight!

*hugs*

Amber